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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22357399">I Couldn't Bring Myself To Name This</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient'>HorizonTheTransient</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Parahumans Series - Wildbow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, F/F, F/M, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 09:15:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,221</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22357399</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this in the course of about an hour, spurred on by the praise and encouragement of theonewhowas , who I should note loves this fic and said, "It's everything I wish my writing could be, but is too amazing for my feeble mortal fingers to produce."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Taylor Annette "Altpower" Hebert was walking down the Boardwalk, eating ice cream while holding hands with her girlfriend, Lisa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Today had been a very productive day, Taylor felt. First, she'd stopped by the bank-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Stop, everyone, please," Taylor said, raising her hands. "Peace."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Glory Girl paused, fist inches from Tattletale's face. "Really, now. And... why?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Because I am Taylor Hebert," she said.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Oh shit, you're right, I'm so sorry, take my wallet and my sister," Glory Girl said, letting go of Tattletale and fishing out her wallet.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Hey," Taylor said, turning to face Panacea. "Wanna hold hands?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"...Yeah, sure."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-volunteered at the animal shelter-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Taylor and Rachel held hands in the back of a storage closet, sitting on top of a pile of dog food bags. Outside the storage closet, the dogs whined, waiting impatiently for their breakfast.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-gone shopping-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Hey! Fucking quit that, you goddamn </span>
  </em>
  <span>animals!</span>
  <em>
    <span> This is a </span>
  </em>
  <span>family</span>
  <em>
    <span> establishment!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'm Taylor Hebert," she said simply, before going back to holding Glory Girl's hand in the changing room.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Oh! My bad. Uh. I'll show myself out."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-had lunch with a few friends-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Okay, no more hand-holding at Fugly Bob's, your hand is greasier than Leet," Taylor said, wiping her hands furiously with a napkin.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Well </span>
  </em>
  <span>excuse me</span>
  <em>
    <span> for having the audacity to try </span>
  </em>
  <span>eating a burger</span>
  <em>
    <span>," Dennis said.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'll hold your hand," Carlos offered. "I don't care </span>
  </em>
  <span>how</span>
  <em>
    <span> greasy it is."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Now, see? </span>
  </em>
  <span>That's </span>
  <em>
    <span>true love right there."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-caught up with a few old friends-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Please, mistress, forgive us!" Emma said inbetween licks of Taylor's shoe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Please!" Madison said, licking Taylor's other shoe.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Taylor turned and looked at Sophia, who was sitting in an old leather recliner, reading Paradise Lost.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"You can fuck right off," Sophia said, turning a page. "We cool, but I ain't doin'... </span>
  </em>
  <span>that</span>
  <em>
    <span>."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Taylor shrugged. "Wanna hold hands instead?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yeah, sure, lemme finish this chapter first."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>---</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>-and toppled a secretive globe-spanning conspiracy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Hey, Fortuna, did you-" Doctor Mother paused in the doorway, looking up from her clipboard, and took in the sight of Taylor and Contessa holding hands. "Goddamnit, how do you keep getting in here?! I've had fumigators come in three fucking times already!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know," Lisa said with a smug vulpine smirk, "I can't help but feel like we're forgetting something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Lisa," Taylor said warningly. Doubting Taylor's immaculate perfection was, after all, a crime for which the only punishment was death.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, hey, there it is," Lisa said, pointing at the Simurgh as she descended from the sky towards the two of them. Sirens sounded, and people fled screaming, but Taylor simply walked forward, arms outstretched to meet her angelic waifu, and the two of them started holding hands. "There we go."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh! Lisa, you're right- like you always are- I </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> forgetting something!" Taylor said, before snapping her fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Oh, Scion, thank you ever so much for rescuing my poor little Jonesy from that tree!" a little old lady said as Scion smiled, gingerly handing her the purring calico.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then he exploded into a shower of golden gore, soaking the old lady and her calico with blood, and spooking the poor cat into running back towards the tree, bolting up it, and then finally finding itself stuck back at the top.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The old lady took this in carefully, and began to wail.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There, now we can live happily ever after," Taylor said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor frowned, staring at the computer screen. Then, with a sad sigh, she shook her head and closed the document, opening a new one, and started typing again, slowly and one-handed.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>CAULDRON:</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, that is </span>
  <em>
    <span>cute</span>
  </em>
  <span>," Alexandria muttered, peeking around the corner at Taylor and Contessa holding hands in the break room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The hell do you mean, cute?" Doctor Mother asked. "She's a walking security breach! Hell, according to Fortuna, she blocks the Path to Victory!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, yes, ordinarily I would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> concerned with a cape who managed to get inside our base and could also block Path to Victory," Alexandria allowed, straightening back up and turning to face Doctor Mother. "But... we won. Scion is dead, as are Behemoth and Leviathan."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What about the Simurgh?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love you," Harley Quinn said, barely lifting her head off the pillow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Simurgh simply gave her a gentle wave before departing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ziz is... different, now," Alexandria said carefully. "But more or less harmless. I think."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look, yes, nominally we won," Doctor Mother said carefully. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>But</span>
  </em>
  <span>, think carefully about what happens </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>. We have a girl with apparently limitless, godlike power on our hands, who can just snap her fingers and kill Scion, or Leviathan, or Behemoth, or </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span> knows who else. And we can't predict her with Contessa. Do you, perhaps, understand </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> this gives me the screaming willies?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"...You raise a good point," Alexandria muttered. "I'll... look into our next move."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look quickly," Doctor Mother urged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Your Majesty, Taylor Annette Altpower Hebert, Queen of Escalation," Contessa said from the breakroom, freezing both conspirators in their tracks. "You know what would be fun?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's that, Tessa, one of my many sexy person-shaped toys who is ultimately a vacuous sock-puppet I use to assuage my insecurities and convince myself that when I return to the dust from which I sprung, I won't be unwept, unhonored, and unsung?" Taylor asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There's this one punk-ass bitch in Brockton Bay. Real nerd of a supervillain. Lamest guy you ever heard of," Contessa said. "He thinks he's real smart, but he's actually a huge fucking idiot, and he's scrawny as hell, too. You should beat him up and take his lunch money."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"...Look, I don't much like Greg Veder either, but I think you're being a little hard on the guy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, no, I mean Coil," Contessa said. "Real name Thomas Calvert, and his power is to split the timeline, do different things in each timeline, and then pick which one happened for real."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, that guy! Lisa- she's another of my sexy person-shaped toys- mentioned him, but I forgot because I was too busy holding her hand," Taylor said. "Hrm... I should go murder him as a gift to my girlfriend, because killing a man in her honor is </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> a romantic thing to do and not wildly traumatic for almost everyone involved. Be back in a minute!" Taylor snapped her fingers, disappearing into thin air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Contessa wiped the grin from her face, straightened her hat, and left the room, staring down Alexandria and Doctor Mother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, still think you can do this better than I can?" Contessa asked, folding her arms. Both women silently shook their heads. "That's what I thought. Rebecca, go prepare dossiers on the remaining S-Class threats. Doctor, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> go prepare a dossier on climate change. We're going to milk this for all we can."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>COIL:</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look, you're a rising star, all I'm offering is a little help-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor snapped her fingers, and Coil exploded messily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look, I can't offer much, but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> offer information," Coil said. "I can tell you Kaiser's real name, where he sleeps, what he ate for breakfast this morning, what his hair smells like at two thirty seven AM."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor paused, considering this, then nodded for him to continue. The timelines(he ordinarily called them 'realities' but Her Most Royal Majesty Queen Hebert had objected to the subconscious terminology inside his head) forked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's all in this document-" he said, reaching into a desk drawer where he kept his gun.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor snapped her fingers, and Coil exploded messily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's all in this document-" he said, reaching into the desk drawer that actually held the document. "I was going to release it to the press, but..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"An imperfect but reasonable solution," Taylor said. "After all, the PRT are wholly untrustworthy both by virtue of screaming incompetence and unbridled corruption and malice; I can tell because they once minorly inconvenienced me while I was doing something illegal."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He forked the timeline again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"May I go no-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor snapped her fingers, and Coil exploded messily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What is your next move?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He forked the timeline for safety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm going to deal with the Merchants first," Taylor said. "Even though they're so small-time that it honestly doesn't make much sense for me, an out-of-touch suburban shut-in, to have ever heard of them or harbor much of a grudge against them. Because drugs are somehow worse than literal avowed Nazis who do violent hate crimes on the regular."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That doesn't make any sen-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor snapped her fingers, and Coil exploded messily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A wise move."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Taylor was on her way to beat up a bunch of tiny small-time drug dealers, she was interrupted by Lung, who lept out of an alleyway screaming about killing children and growing kidnapped prostitutes in his garden. It wasn't entirely coherent and the whole thing felt tinged with more than a little bit of racist sensationalism.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lept off a rooftop and kicked him in the face, but her heart wasn't really in it, and neither was his. How many times had they done this dance before? And every time, beginning and ending the same way, varying only mildly in the particulars. She enters the world on a rooftop- he enters it on the street, ranting about infanticide. They fight, he loses, she wins. He ends an unconscious body, or perhaps even a corpse, while she ends a hero. Sometimes it </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> ends there, the world in limbo until the dance starts again, but other times it continues onward, although perhaps falteringly at first. Always the same in the end, though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm tired, Kenta," Taylor said, sitting on the curb next to him. "I don't know how much longer I can do this. When does it end?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There is no end," Kenta said asianly, sitting in a La-Z-Boy made of katanas and hookers. "There's only the point where the storyteller stops talking."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe," Taylor said. "Well. How about on this turn of the wheel, we do something </span>
  <em>
    <span>fun?</span>
  </em>
  <span>"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Like what?" Kenta asked, watching Taylor juggle two loaded handguns and a live, screaming baby, before a misplaced finger unloaded a gun and un-alived the baby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What," Coil began softly, but with feeling, "the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I redeemed them!" Taylor said, surrounded by the entirety of Empire 88's female cape roster, the men having presumably been explodified.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Purity, meanwhile, was screaming an endless geyser of bigoted invective at a black family passing by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See, that's </span>
  <em>
    <span>progress!</span>
  </em>
  <span>" Taylor said. "Usually she'd be trying to kill them!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Miss Hebert, I have long since discarded any notion of being a </span>
  <em>
    <span>moral</span>
  </em>
  <span> man," Coil said calmly. "Who I am and the world I live in simply wouldn't allow it. But </span>
  <em>
    <span>this?</span>
  </em>
  <span> What you're doing here? This is </span>
  <em>
    <span>repugnant</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I am now more morally unclean simply for having </span>
  <em>
    <span>witnessed</span>
  </em>
  <span> this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Purity, go hold his hand so he'll feel better," Taylor ordered. Purity did so, her mouth still a constant source of racial </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> sexual epithets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Coil took a quick headcount- there was Cricket, Othala, Rune, Purity, Fenja, and Menja. It was close, but...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Purity came into handholding range, Coil drew his revolver, shooting her in the head, followed by Othala, Rune, Cricket(who was just standing there, motionless, like some sort of cardboard standee), Fenja, and Menja. As the bodies fell to the ground, he hastily reloaded his gun.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That wasn't very nice," Taylor said, planting her fists on her hips. "Say you're sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He split the timeline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fuck you," Coil said, shooting Taylor. It accomplished nothing, not even tearing her shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taylor snapped her fingers, and Coil exploded messily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fuck you," Coil said, shooting himself in the head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>PIGGOT:</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Armsmaster, report," Piggot said. "God, I hate capes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Armsmaster said nothing; he was busy guzzling down what seemed to be a large plastic milk jug that had been refilled with Soylent, if that new label on the side was to be believed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The </span>
  <em>
    <span>entire</span>
  </em>
  <span> Empire?" Piggot asked, eyes boggling. "God, I hate capes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Armsmaster ignored her, continuing to drink his Soylent; real food was inefficient, as were words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And the Merchants, too?" Piggot asked, wishing she could drink- unfortunately, she'd had her kidneys surgically removed on her vacation to Ellisburg. "God, I hate capes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Armsmaster sat there, mouth full of Soylent, wondering why people kept calling him Halbeard; it was funny the first time, but after all these years it was getting kind of old.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>mean</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Lung is now a famous painter?!" Piggot erupted. "God, I hate capes!" She stormed out of the office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Armsmaster finished his gallon of Soylent, and picked up his phone, noticing he'd gotten a text from his very real girlfriend who just lived in Canada, you wouldn't know her.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Please pick up milk on the way home," </span>
  </em>
  <span>Dragon said as though they lived together and also had any conceivable use for milk. Armsmaster didn't need milk, only more Soylent. And Dragon was very obviously a robot, despite that being one of the best-kept secrets in the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, right, I'm late for my weekly D&amp;D session with colleagues I've deliberately isolated myself from who all live more than a thousand miles away," Armsmaster said, checking the time. "To the Batmobile, because I'm definitely an analogue for Batman!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the talent agent said, "That's a hell of a show you got there, what do you call that act?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Taylor said, "The Aristocrats!"</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
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